When I was a kid, my aunt made the best pies. Banana cream, specifically. I'm convinced it was one of the great achievements of the modern era.
I never quite figured out her recipe. But whatever she put in those pies, nobody else came close. There was something about the combination, the specific ingredients in the right amounts, that made all the difference.
Healthy marriages are a lot like that.
Divorce rates are up. Marital satisfaction is down. The idea of marriage as a sacred, lifelong covenant has slowly given way, in many cases, to something more like a conditional agreement: staying together as long as it feels good. So what separates the marriages that thrive from the ones that slowly go flat?
Over years of working with couples, we've found three things consistently present in healthy marriages.
1. A Settled Sense of Identity
It's hard to love someone well when you don't believe you're worth loving yourself.
Past hurts, old wounds, and painful experiences can quietly convince us that we're not worth much — not worth fighting for, not worth affirmation, not worth staying. And what we believe about ourselves shapes everything we bring into a marriage.
Here's what we know: others often think more of us than we do of ourselves. More importantly, God does. If you're struggling with how you see yourself, we'd encourage you to go looking for what Scripture actually says about who you are. You were made on purpose, with purpose. That's not a motivational slogan — it's the foundation everything else gets built on.
2. A Shared Understanding of Love
Every spouse carries a quiet, mental slideshow of what love looked like growing up:
- Maybe voices got loud, then everyone acted as if nothing happened.
- Maybe affection was rare, or used only as a reward.
- Maybe conflict meant withdrawal and silence, not repair and grace.
When my wife and I got married, we both said "I love you" and meant it. What we did not realize was that we each meant something a little different.
Our definition of love had been shaped by what we saw growing up — how affection was shown, how conflict was handled, what love looked like in practice. Those early pictures follow us into marriage whether we know it or not.
Over time, as we grew closer to God, His word began to reshape what love actually meant for both of us. Three decades in, when she says "I love you," we're speaking the same language — a definition rooted in Scripture, not just feeling. That shared definition changes everything.
3. A Commitment to Serve Each Other
In Mark 10, Jesus is clear: He didn't come to be served. He came to serve. And we're invited to follow that same model.
At Developing Great Relationships, one of our core convictions is this: selflessly serve others ahead of yourself. It sounds simple. It isn't. But when both people in a marriage genuinely choose that posture — not waiting for the other person to go first — something shifts. The competition stops. The scorekeeping fades. What's left is a partnership that actually works.
Why These Three Things Matter
Identity. Love. Service. These aren't three tips for a better marriage. They're the foundation beneath a thriving one.
Everything we do in our workshops comes back to these three principles. When couples understand who they are, agree on what love means, and choose to serve each other ahead of themselves, the results speak for themselves.
If you're a pastor or church leader looking for a way to invest in the marriages in your congregation, we'd love to talk. We're here to serve you and the couples you care about.